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what hurts the soul, my soul adores
no better than a beast upon all fours.

Date: 2010-01-15 00:03
Subject: stretch before exercising.
Security: Public
Tags:kimi ni todoke
The 31_days comm has John Locke quotes as its theme, which I think is pretty neat :) So I figured I'd 'take a crack at it' so to speak, since I keep talking about how much I miss writing--I might as well, I mean, I'm not going to have very much time for anything once school starts and I find a part-time job along with the research position I'm volunteering at... yep.

Title: bravado
Series: Kimi ni Todoke
Character: Kurumizawa Ume
Pairing: none
Rating: PG (language)
Summary: You think you understand, and I'm glad as hell you don't. Spoilers past Chpt. 17/Episode 13.

january14. all their confidence is mere presumptionCollapse )

Two hours. Two freaking hours. Geez, writing in a fandom that I've never attempted before is damned hard. =_=; And I still hate it--I feel like Kurumi is such an interesting character once you get past hating her for being such a bitch (haha) and this piece doesn't really do her justice at all. :P

EDIT jan18: Tried to make it flow better. I think I [mostly] succeeded. :P

Cut below is the crap that didn't make the story--I started out writing something that ended up completely different, so I had to cut the intro out. Don't really like any of it... draft OR finished product. T_T

craptacular!Collapse )

Ugh. Going to bed. :P
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Date: 2010-01-07 02:47
Subject: sigh.
Security: Public
I was reading reviews and recs of the fanfiction I've written in the past, and it makes me wonder if I'm incapable of writing as well as I used to, anymore... I keep churning out snippets of things, everything is always depressing... and as much as I love bittersweet stories as the next person, I don't want it to be my M.O. I also want more feedback... I posted that post-breakup Usagi story on FF.net, but only got favorited. (Wow, Mighty Ego... 'only got favorited'... there should be a way of kicking me in the shin whenever I sound so pompous D:) But seriously--it's making me kind of sad, and having James beta my romantic stories is getting embarrassing. ;_; Maybe I'll try joining more LJ coms and getting feedback that way... :-/

I had this insane idea while going through my old stories--what if you actually sat down and finished all of the WIPs? But I wonder if I'd just hinder the stories instead... most of what I like to write involves feeling empathy with the characters I write about, and if I haven't written about them for a while I just feel so awkward... I guess the best example is Gravitation, since I've probably 'published' the most for that fandom. Raaaghh, I miss writing about Eiri so much ;_; He's such a complex/deceptively simple character... I mean, yes, he's the typical angsty/wounded goods kind of character that always reminds me of this Lion King quote (I'm not crazy!): The world turns its back on you--so turn your back on the world. Or something along those lines, anyhow... through him I always saw a character that was striving to become an uneasy balance of his past and present self, and though he initially starts doing it for Shuichi, I like to think he eventually comes to the conclusion that he isn't satisfied with the person he has become either. I will always ♥ you, Uesugi Eiri--forever my muse. ^^;

Now all that seems to pop out of me is sad!fic involving Usagi & Mamoru... what did they ever do to me to deserve this? =_=; As for writing about series I'm currently watching, the only one I'm watching with any consistency is Kimi ni Todoke, and it hardly needs fanfic due to its excellent characterization. ♥

Or maybe it's time to create my own original story? Now there's a scary thought. ;)
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Date: 2010-01-05 12:11
Subject: ...
Security: Public
this was love, once, she says
to the stranger in the room
and smiles stiffly to hide her aching heart.
when we knew each other
it was love.

** wanted to write but all I could pop out is a jagged poem, boo.
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Date: 2009-12-27 02:09
Subject: more sailor moon, hurrah
Security: Public
Tags:mamoru, sailormoon, usagi
Title: dreamcatcher
Series: Sailormoon
Pairing: UsaMamo (who else)
Rating: PG
Warnings: Spoilers for the 3rd manga tankoubon

without you, my life was forfeitCollapse )
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Date: 2009-11-05 14:09
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
"I need a few moments with you." His eyes meet hers, and she looks away a moment later with embarrassment. "Alone, if you don't mind."

The memories now running through his head of his hands in her hair, of her intoxicating scent and the feel of her pressed against him--he runs his hand agitatedly through his hair, trying to calm himself. "Please."

She looks at him directly, her expression sad and angry. "I'm sorry, Endym--no, Mamoru. I can't."

"But you're the princess, you should know, more than anyone what we--"

"Please," she interrupts, looking behind him with an anguished look in her eyes. He turns to see the four Senshi, their faces expressing the confusion he feels in his heart about their new 'princess,' except...

Sailor Moon's face is twisted into a tiny smile, the naked emotion in her eyes stabbing his heart. He cannot look away from her, and yet cannot bear to look.

"Sailor Moon," he says moments later, turning away from her. "Take the rest of the Senshi away so that I may speak to... your princess." He hears the catch in her throat, before she coughs and laughs it off with transparent effort.

"O-of course," she agrees simply, her voice soft. "Senshi--"

"Now wait a minute!" Sailor Mars interrupts, her anger palpable in the otherwise silent night. "Just because you want some alone time doesn't mean we're not entitled to time with her as well! There are so many things still up in the air!"

"Mars, won't you please?" Sailor Moon smiles, her mask tight. "Just consider it a request from your leader, on behalf of the princess." The princess looks alarmed, and with a scathing look to Tuxedo Mask walks past him to her Senshi.

"Sailor Moon, please, this is unnecessary--"

"It's okay." Sailor Moon smiles at her, clasps her gloved hands with her own. "It's... been so long since you two could be together again. We'll go."

And before the princess could voice another word in protest, Sailor Moon jumped away, the rest of the girls following suit behind her. She clenches her fist and turns to him again, tears in her eyes.

"How could you..." He is taken back by the fury written so plainly on her face. "You don't even know--"

He takes quick strides toward her, until his face is inches away from hers. "What don't I know?" he says softly, his proximity shocking her into temporary silence. "All I can think about is you--being with you, loving you, living for you, dying for you--and all you can do is push me away. So if you wouldn't mind enlightening me, I'd be obliged."

"...further back..." she mumbles in reply.

"What...?" She pushes him away, her eyes downcast. He tries not to reel at the pain of her rejection as she covers her face with her hands.

"Further back from me, please," she says again. There is an awkward silence that hangs over them, one that he never remembers from the recollections in the past of their romance, before she speaks again. "Look, we can't do this right now, okay? I can't say any more than that, and I apologize that I must be so vague. But if the time is right, the motives for my actions will become crystal-clear."

He reaches out to her, his throat tight. "You are the only singular thing I have lived for since I can remember, Princess... are you telling me to go away, in so many words?" He lets a short laugh escape, the desperation in it scaring him. "Are you saying that the feelings you once had mean nothing?"

"No!" she retorts, looking directly at him. Her eyes sadden again, and she sighs. "I... I do... care about you, very much so, Endymion. Believe in those feelings, believe that they have persisted."

"And yet you speak of them as if they were not your own," he says finally, his eyes burning. She turns to him, startled, then contemplative. A light reaches her eyes as she walks toward him again.

"Endymion..." She takes her hand out of its glove and places a cool, bare hand on his cheek. He freezes. "Look at me."

His hand slowly encases hers as he looks into her eyes, not fully comprehending. And then--

Too light. Her eyes are too light. Her hair is too light. He steps back in confusion, the contact between them broken.

"...who are you?" She smiles now, a genuine one, with a tinge of pity.

"I am the Princess."

"But--" No, this is wrong, this isn't right, there's something inherently filled with wrongness between us!

"Please be patient with me, I promise..." Her determination shines through the haze in his mind as she clenches her fists. "I promise things will be better again, and you will understand."

She leaves soon after, the sincerity of her promise burning in his memory, and he falls to the ground. His fingers trace the part of his face that her hand had warmed, and he laughed until the tears came out in rivulets from his eyes.

The Senshi had verified it--even he had enough memory to know that the princess had just been standing among them, no longer a dream or a distant hope. Even Sailor Moon... he cursed himself for being weak enough to think of her, when he should be dedicating his heart to the Princess alone. But something in him rejected her touch so completely...

He left moments later, his heart still broken and confused.


Bleh. :P I'll revise it later.
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Date: 2009-11-05 00:57
Subject: a sense of self; usa/mamo break-up soliloquy.
Security: Public
title: a sense of self.
pairing: usa-mamo.
words: 1,075
rating: G
summary: When I lose my way, I will guide myself out of darkness.

The clock is ticking and she hates it; hates the sound that breaks the silence of each second. There is no solitude in a ticking clock. She knows this, but can't bring herself to take the battery out of the cheap plastic. The sound annoys her, but the silence she would be left with scares her.

How long has she been unaware, how long has she lived without knowing that loneliness is knowing what you've lost? The tears spring so easily to the corners of her eyes now, as she tries to keep her breathing steady.

I saw you today. I saw the look in your eyes. She tries to cling to hope, and yet...

...maybe, you have reached the end of your patience with me.

His apartment is cleaner without her clutter, she is sure of that. She tries to keep her mind on stupid superfluous things. He'll have edible cookies instead of lumpy charcoal. He'll be able to study without the TV on, without being interrupted every few minutes with a question from the game show on the channel. His apartment won't look like a nursery anymore, with stuffed animals and pink artifacts cluttering up the bedroom.

And he is better off without her, without her immaturity and video-games and pointless gossip and the strands of golden hair all over the couch, the carpet, over everything... he'll have more time to spend with people that have intelligent things to think about and discuss. Her hands cover her face and swipe the tears from her eyes as she laughs at herself. She has always known that their levels were completely different, so why is she crying now? Idiot... idiot. The wetness runs down her chin, down the neck and collarbone that he used to kiss with the lightest touch, and she can't stop crying or laughing at her idiocy.

How selfish--I can't... I can't leave you, no matter how much you want nothing else to do with me. I'm sorry.

She buries her face in the lacy pillow on her bed and curls into a ball, her hands shaking.

Loving you is the only thing my past or present really knows how to do.

A wretched truth. Her memories of her past life are saturated with these feelings of emptiness, of longing at the blue orb in the night sky. She had blissfully assumed that after the strife they had endured together, the waiting and the pain, they were entitled to happiness--and after all, wasn't it destined? They were meant for each other. They were reborn to be together again, to consummate the love that could not blossom all those years ago... Isn't that right?

The certainty of those convictions stabs at the seams holding her together; those days seem so distant, now. All she can think about now are the little things, like how falling asleep is so difficult now without her head on the rise and fall of his chest, or how the different lifetimes and bodies have never changed the smile on his face at the sight of her... each memory is more painful than the last, and a feeling not unlike resentment wells at the bottom of her stomach. How could you not know what your rejection of me would do to me?

"How could you do this to me?" she breathes, and is dismayed at how the anger is palpable in her voice. The question breaks the spell of the ticking clock, and she stares at the brooch--at the Crystal set inside, reflecting hazy moonlight--on her windowsill. After a pause, she reaches for it with trembling fingers.

On nights like these, where her bitterness starts to consume her, she holds the Crystal to her chest; and she prays with eyes closed that it will purify her misery before it becomes outward anger.

Her breathing steadies, and she wills herself to think straight. It was selfish, after all, for her to think that his happiness must involve her; it was even more despicable for her to dwell upon the pain he caused her until she became vengeful and self-righteous. She knows these things, has told herself the same empty words every night while trying to find solitude in her brooch. But she repeats these words in her mind, like a mantra, to remind herself of who she is.

I can never... no, I will never let myself hate you or blame you for this.

Steeling her resolve anew, she takes the negative feelings, the hurt and the anger, and she casts them out with tears still running down her face.

You'll try to make me hate you, because that is the only reaction you've known when something is taken away from you. But I won't.

The painful things he'll say tomorrow--she already knows them, because she has heard them countless times. But she won't guard herself against them; the wall that might protect her from the stings and barbs will also cause her to lose sight of him. As long as you're okay, as long as we're alive, as long as I still know you... She stares at the moon through her window. Too much has been sacrificed for me to throw it all away with my lack of conviction.

Even if nothing ever happens between them again... well, maybe that is going too far, and she is not ready for those thoughts yet. But she clings to hope, to the Crystal, to the lives that they were given again, so that one day... Usagi curves her lips again, a ghost imitation of his self-deprecating smile, as she clutches the brooch even closer to her chest. Even if she must build herself back up again at the end of every day, she will without complaint because she can't stop herself from doing so, because right now it's the only thing she can do for him--

Because I love you, Mamo-chan. She smiles harder, and smiles so hard the tears run around the curves of her cheeks. She will not defile her feelings for him by thinking of him in any other way.

She falls asleep soon after, her resolution giving way to exhaustion; she knows the day will bring another trial to test the endurance of her heart. And there is silence, apart from her breathing: the clock is on its side on her bedroom floor, and the battery is has rolled across the carpet.


Yay, hope! Haha. I finally wrote something with... well, not a happy ending but better than my usual 'life is pain, raw pain' ending. :P I realized how much I really love Usagi's character while trying to find a way to finish her thoughts in this little piece (takes place when Mamoru breaks up with her due to OMGTEHFUTURE nightmares)--to find strength in hope and to never defile the sacred moments you shared with someone, these are damn difficult traits. Mamoru is her rock, but she is the foundation for their love together. ♥

I almost had her run out and demand answers from him in the middle of the night, which is pretty out of character... glad I found a way out of that. :P

the possible confrontation that never wasCollapse )

Not really sure if I'm going to post this somewhere or not, but it was fun... a catharsis for me and where I'm at in life right now, actually. ^_^ Hopefully I can 'rise above' like Usagi-chan. ♥
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Date: 2009-11-01 15:22
Subject: what do you think strength is?
Security: Public
Her breath catches; the ache in her throat causes her teeth to clench as she tells herself to exhale, exhale damnit. I thought you were stronger than this. Can you not be stronger than this?

The anger has drained out of her and all she has left now is the smarting in her eyes.

"What, did I hit a nerve?" He smirks, his eyes wandering to a nearby window. "Because if you can't handle the truth--"

"I can, thank you," she says quietly, her nails digging into her palms. Before he can look at or question her, she stands up and turns her head. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've had enough for today."

"Y-yeah," he says a few moments later, staring at the back of her head. The silence spans the entire city of Tokyo, he feels, as he waits for a response from her. "Uh... see you later, then, I guess."

Without turning back to him, she walks outside and away. And after she is out of sight, he turns to his work again, and tries to tell himself that this is for the best.

Can you not be stronger than this? he asks himself. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, but finds he cannot exhale.


I kept it pretty vague... it was supposed to be Sailormoon, Usa/Mamo but then I didn't feel like using the same tired stuff (arcade location, stupid insults, etc.) and this is what popped out. Nobody's happy in my fic-verses T_T I should work on writing something happier, but for some reason I thrive on writing painful stuff instead... sheesh...
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Date: 2009-08-26 22:21
Subject: the masks we hold dear
Security: Public
Tags:kyouko, ren, skip beat!
Something lingers in his expression that she cannot or perhaps does not want to understand, and before she can say anything else he smiles.

"Thank you for your concern Mogami-san," he says, the gentle, shiny nature of his smile disorienting her--which is just as he intends. "But as you can see, I'm just a little tired from lack of sleep."

"A-ah, I see," she replies weakly. She bows to excuse herself, but still feels uneasy as she starts to turn away from him. "I'll--just excuse myself then, Tsuruga-san, I apologize for any intrusion I might have--"

"Never," he says vehemently, before realizing how strong his objection sounds. His face flushes as he looks away from her inquisitive gaze. What am I saying in front of her? I'm losing it. "I mean--you are always welcome to call on me if you need anything, Mogami-san, you are never an inconvenience." He bows his head toward her to excuse himself, before he can betray himself any further. "Have a good day."

"You too, Tsuruga-san..." she trails off, more to herself than to his retreating figure. The expression on his face just a few moments ago troubles her--so uncharacteristic of him to look so pained, of all things.

Or was it so uncharacteristic? She doesn't know, and not knowing is unsettling her more than she is willing to admit.

She leaves the set shortly afterward, and wonders if he shows anyone how he truly feels--now that she knows she is not one of the few.

He leaves the set a few hours later, and sits in his car, covering his face with his hands.


Wow, why did this turn out so sad? :( Maybe it's because I can't stop listening to "heavy music" :) This is a Skip Beat! drabble, but I'm pretty sure that's obvious by now. ^^; I ♥ Ren/Kyouko... why is this manga moving so slowly?!
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Date: 2009-08-06 09:49
Subject: drabble
Security: Public
She feels him, and knows him; as her hands slide down his naked back she sighs with a crooked smile on her face. When she is all tangled up in him--when they cannot tell where he ends and she begins--these are the moments she cherishes. He yawns, sleepy as ever, as she blows lightly onto his face.

"Wake up, wake up," she says, and he mumbles incoherently, his eyes still shut tight. She kisses the corner of his mouth and is tickled by his stubble. "Let's start our day together."

* * *

Was going to write something else but this just popped out of me instead. James and I never get to wake up like this anymore... =_=;;
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Date: 2009-07-08 09:23
Subject: hum dee dum.
Security: Public
Tags:mamoru, sailormoon, usagi
Thought of an interesting fic plot while walking back from classes today--for some reason no one was on the road and no one was walking near me, so it kind of felt like I was the only person around for miles... I came up with a very interesting idea but in order for me to feel comfortable writing it I need an ENDING, and a way to explain the phenomenon. Still working on that, but I just thought I'd write a lil' bit of it to motivate myself.


"Ugh," she said disgustedly. "I thought today was my day off from everything that annoyed me." This dream just became a nightmare! So much for solitude...

He almost looked hurt, but his expression quickly changed to anger. "Serena, don't you get what's going on here? Or are you too dense to recognize that there is no one around?"

"No, I am not too dense, you jerk," she bit back, irritated that her subconscious decided that Darien was an essential part of her dreams. "This is my dream, obviously, and even though you are in it for some awful reason, I'm going to pretend I didn't see you and continue enjoying my dream-day." He groaned, rubbing his forehead with his fingers.

"This isn't a dream, Serena. I woke up this morning to go to classes, and when I walked outside no one was around. All of the cars in the street were empty. The university was absolutely dead with silence." His eyes met with hers, and she could see a tinge of fear in them. "Ever since then I've been wandering around to see if anyone else was around, if there might be some clue as to what had happened... and here you are."

She laughed nervously. "Okay, Dream Darien, you're starting to freak me out... but since this is a dream, I'll just close my eyes and when I open them again you'll be gone, and I can keep enjoying my day without anyone around to bother me, or criticize me, or say mean things to me..." Serena sighed. "So just go away, please, you can make fun of me all you want tomorrow when I'm awake again."

A pang of guilt shot through him at her words, but he brushed it aside for now. It was imperative that the only other person he'd seen around--alive--today was aware of what was happening, or he'd go insane.

"Serena..." He went to grab her shoulder, but she snatched herself away.

"Don't touch me!" she screeched, and her voice echoed in the empty street. "Will I never get a break from you? I might as well wake up, you've ruined everything!"

"Serena, LISTEN TO ME!"

Before she could dash away from him, he clamped his hands around her arms in a vice-like grip. Her eyes widened at the sudden contact, and a flood of realization started to set in as she whimpered.

"Why does this... feel so real..." Her stomach dropped, and she looked up fearfully at him. "Darien, does this mean--"

"I'm sorry, Serena," he said curtly, "but you're not dreaming, and as far as I know right now, you and I are the only people alive in Tokyo."


Hmm, so interesting! Need to figure out how they get out of it before I start writing it and posting it though ^.^
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moving on
fanfic journal
May 2013