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what hurts the soul, my soul adores
no better than a beast upon all fours.

Date: 2013-05-16 04:24
Subject: soon enough, know better.
Security: Public
Even in the midst of his emotional turmoil, Tsuruga Ren was an immaculate actor. In fact, his desire to lose himself in the role of Cain Heel superseded the normal issues he had with assuming the role. The irony of his ability to keep his personal issues at bay in light of her absence was not lost on him, and his mood was so dark between takes that even Murasame caught the hint and kept his distance.

Actually, that parameter was drawn at the beginning of the shoot--two hours after he had left Kyoko in tears. He was so shell-shocked that it took him much longer to find Jelly than he thought it would take; because of what had happened, the make-up session started later than planned. By the time 'Cain Heel' made his appearance on the sound stage, it was thirty minutes past schedule and Murasame was ready to blow.

"Too busy being a spoiled Westerner and making everyone wait on you?" When he was unable to elicit any kind of response, he tried pushing more buttons. "What, too busy murdering people out in the streets for your amusement? That kind of foreign violence is what will be the end of Japan someday!" Again, he detected no reaction. Murasame clenched his fists as if to strike Cain as he walked by, then blinked and took a step back. "Wait... where's that creepy sister of yours?"

Cain paused in his steps to glower at Murasame with enough menace to make him uneasy, then continued to walk in the direction of the set. Something in Murasame--probably his long-forgotten sense of preservation--told him that pursuing the subject of Cain's sister was definitely not the best course of action at this point in time. But despite the warning signs, he couldn't resist the opportunity to twist the knife.

"Let me guess, you gross siblings probably had some kind of lovers' spat or something." He made a gagging noise and pretended to shudder. "That's totally disgusting, you know. At least she has an excuse because she's young and impressionable--you're older and you should know better, don't you think? Flaunting your incestuous relationship in front of everyone here, it's sickening--"

Cain made a hard stop and--glaring seemed too benign a word to describe the fury in his expression when he turned around and their eyes met. Murasame's voice faded as he felt the room grow colder.

"Fuck. Off."

His voice was quiet, but the raw anger behind them reminded Murasame of the bruises on his neck; he couldn't meet Cain's bloodshot stare and instead blinked at the floor with wide eyes. He maintained a wide berth after that little confrontation, and Ren was almost disappointed. He was really in the mood to kick the shit out of someone tonight.

He completed every take without complaint from the director and even earned some faint, murmured praise for the particular ferocity of his performance--but he derived no pleasure from the acting or the positive feedback. All he could think of were Kyoko's eyes, filling with tears at the sight of his face. Then the self-hatred would kick in, and his despair would compound on itself again...

The scenes went by too quickly--perhaps, or he was in too dark a cloud to watch the minutes go by. Before he could even comprehend the passing of time, it was already midnight and he was back at the Heel siblings' apartment. He walked into the bathroom and locked the door out of habit, then took out the blood-red contacts. Blue stared into mirrored blue for a quick moment before Ren looked down at the sink, his mind and thoughts hazy with pain.

This apartment is so lonely without her. The white noise was deafening. The idea of him even needing to lock the bathroom door at this hour was a joke. He put on his brown contacts without glancing at the mirror once, then leaned his forehead against the door, his hand on the knob. I hate being here without her.

The kiss mark--no, more of a bite mark, really--had almost faded away, and he reached his other hand to the base of his neck. As long as I'm alive, I'll live as 'your me.' Even remembering the feel of her lips on his skin brought him no reprieve. Well, at least I didn't lie to her. This isn't Cain, or Kuon, or whatever else she thinks of me.

I'm just me, Mogami Kyoko... me, in love with you. Ren pinched the skin on his neck until it hurt. Just me, being an irrational bastard. Well, Lory had warned him that love was a raging beast at some point; Ren had waved him off at the time, saying that he was not the type to be distracted from what he was trying to accomplish. He was grateful from the bottom of his over-wrought heart that Lory was not around to see him in such a pathetic state.

He would do nothing but crow for days about how he deserved all the credit for showing my cold, unfeeling heart how to love. Ren shuddered at the thought. He couldn't deny that he had shamelessly used Lory's 'Heel Siblings' act as a ploy to spend more time with Kyoko. But in the end, the President always had more insight into his psyche than anyone ever could. He had never anticipated the resurgence of his guilt-ridden feelings as Kuon; thankfully, Lory knew better.

He already knew how much he loved her--how happy he was whenever he spent any time with her. But after the events of the past week, he recognized how much he really needed her in his life. And what had he done to show her his appreciation? Ren unlocked the door, shaking his head, and tried to put his mind at ease. It was far too late in the night to fix things immediately--he should rest. At least, he thought with a rueful expression, that is what Yashiro would tell me without question. But everywhere he turned was a memory of her--cooking breakfast, pulling more scandalous clothes out of her drawer with a slight blush she couldn't quite hide, her body in his arms as she stroked his hair...

A few minutes later, Ren had changed into street clothes and was out the front door. He needed to think, and being in that apartment was an infinite loop of increasing misery.

He wanted to fix things, but there was nothing to fix in the first place. There was nothing between them other than her admiration of him as an 'mentor' of sorts. She would be on her guard around him again--the loss of emotional proximity was already putting tiny cracks in his heart. He would need to start all over again, to be the faultless and kind Tsuruga Ren to his 'student', and keep a professional distance. Over the days, weeks, months if necessary--he would prove to her that he was worth trusting again. And then, maybe... if they were able to spend more time together, once he gained her trust...

But how would he ever convince her to spend more time with him again, after his verbal lashing against her? And yet, for that idiot musician...

It's so easy for Fuwa to walk in and out of her life as he pleases, yet I have to contrive reasons and situations that allow me the same kind of access to her, he realized with wide eyes. The truth of the statement left his knees weak. When I see how easily he is able to be near her and therefore affect her, it leaves me seeing red.

For the umpteenth time, he cursed his stupidity--his infernal jealousy. Yes, now that he was wandering around the streets of Tokyo at 2am like some delusional salaryman... yes, he was finally ready to drop his pretenses and admit it. 

I'm jealous of Fuwa. Even the thought repulsed him. How petty could he possibly be? Her mind, her heart--they're all filled with him. Even if it's solely hatred, he still occupies a larger place in her life than I ever could. Ren reeled his arm back as if to punch the wall, but thought better of it and covered his face with his hand instead. His cheeks were burning with shame. He would never want the raw anger and bitterness she focused on Fuwa, but he...

I'm jealous of how he can drop in and see her on a whim, even if she hates every second of it. I hate the fact that they have history together, things shared that I can never be a part of.

I hate that she loved him with all of her heart.

But most of all--I hate the fact that I might not ever know what that feels like.

Ren was exhausted, as if the late hour had finally taken its effect on his body. The sudden realizations had robbed him of his ability to walk any further, and he sat on the curb in despair with his hands tangled in his hair.

How am I going to fix this?

He stared at the empty streets before him, his expression blank with concentration. When the solution finally hit him, he was annoyed at the simplicity of it.

I have to tell her the truth. Ren had been worried about scaring her off in the past, but this was not the time for subtlety. Kyoko would never understand why he had been so vehement about Fuwa unless he admitted how much he cared about her. Any other excuse would be an obvious lie. And even if he did scare her away, and she wanted nothing to do with him again...

No. He couldn't allow his thoughts to take that dark turn, not tonight at least. He'd done enough self-loathing for a lifetime, and now was not the time to jump-start that bad habit of his.

Ren stood up and stretched, eyes burning with determination. He needed rest... and after that, a plan. He would call LME tomorrow and ask for her schedule--on the pretense of work of course--

Wait, he thought with a frown, looking around him in confusion. Where am I, anyway?

He had been so lost in his own thoughts earlier that he had wandered far from the apartment--his eyes scanned the nearby shops and residences, looking for a landmark he recognized. This neighborhood felt familiar, but he couldn't quite place it in his weariness...

Suddenly a door opened to his left; Ren placed his arms at his sides, ready to bow in apology for his late-night disturbance.

His apologies, plans and whatever else he had in his head to do went up in smoke as his eyes met her red-rimmed ones in the dim streetlight.

Alternate way to end the chapter that I decided not to follow through. Too light-hearted... ish?


But what if I started tonight? He stopped in front of the convenience store at the corner, fumbling for the cell phone in his pocket. Maybe I can call her. Maybe I can ask to see her, maybe we can talk this through and maybe I can apologize...

Too many maybes. He looked at the phone in his hand and almost laughed. It was already 2am--and waking her up when she had school the next day was probably the worst idea he'd had yet. Ren covered his face with his hand, a sardonic chuckle escaping his lips. Tsuruga Ren, 'Japan's #1 Bachelor', standing in front of a 24/7 convenience store in the middle of the night because he can't be in an apartment without his pretend sister. First I want to punch someone's lights out, then I'm practically crying into the sink... and now I'm laughing. I must be crazy.

But he was through with hating himself, at least for tonight. Kyoko was on the Box-R set in the morning, so he could come at the end of her scheduled time on the set and pick her up. Apologize profusely and promise to listen to her this time, and try to right what he had wronged. Try to salvage the friendship he had torn in two when he walked through the door of that dressing room only a few short hours ago.

I was too hasty to jump to conclusions, he resolved. That Fuwa bastard probably strong-armed his way in like the self-entitled jerk that he is--first Valentine's Day, and now this mess. Trying to keep my fist away from his face is going to be a challenge...


Startled, Ren whipped his head around to see an equally shocked Fuwa with his arms full of strawberry pudding cups. The convenience store chime faded into silence as the doors behind Sho pressed together and closed.

This was turning out to be one of the worst nights of his life. For both of them.
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Date: 2013-04-24 19:32
Subject: (thank you for breaking my heart) and now, i know that it's in there
Security: Public
"There! Now it looks like nothing ever happened." Jelly stepped back and away from the mirror so that Kyoko could see her handiwork. Yes, her eyes were still a little red--but she could easily chalk it up to her weariness at balancing several jobs at once.

"Nothing happened," she agreed, her smile creeping at the edges of her lips as Setsuka stared back at her. You're an actress, aren't you? You can play this off, you can forget what was said...

She could push the emotions out until her job today was done, and wrestle with herself later when she was in the safety of her own room. This world doesn't revolve around your feelings. She narrowed her eyes into a sulky glare, and Jelly gave her an enthusiastic thumbs-up.

"Perfect, Kyoko-chan--oops, I mean Setsuka-san." Jelly tried to meet Kyoko's eyes in the mirror to reassure her, but found the younger woman pointedly avoiding her gaze. She dropped her hand and sighed, running a hand through Kyoko's blond extensions.

"Are you sure," she said, her voice low, "that you don't want to talk about it?"

I can't, Kyoko thought with a catch in her throat. If I do, I'll lose it again. God, I can't even look her in the eyes without wanting to lose it. She focused instead on Jelly's forehead--an old trick she used to use when she had dealt with unpleasant customers at the inn--and found, to her relief, that it relaxed Jelly's expression.

"I'm fine," she said, her voice clear.

If I can barely keep myself composed around Jelly Woods, how am I ever going to...

Kyoko wouldn't let herself even complete the thought. She gripped the armrests at her makeup chair, and smiled at her friend's forehead.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"And why wouldn't you be?" said a voice from the opening door behind her. Her eyes widened.

Ren's gaze was neutral as he stepped into the trailer, his expression taut. Jelly gulped behind her before forcing an unknowing smile on her face.

"Ren, what a... timely surprise," she said, forcing her voice to be chipper as usual. He turned to Jelly with an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry I'm late," he said with a slight frown. "I know you're going out of your way to disguise me as Cain..."

"Think nothing of it," she smiled, waving off his apologies. "You have no idea how much fun it is to turn 'Japan's #1 Eligible Bachelor' into a specter from my nightmares!"

"Or a schoolgirl into a..." He trailed off, his eyes once again on Kyoko. She looked away, but not before he noticed the wetness in her eyes. "Tiring schedule today, Mogami-san?"

Please believe me, Kyoko thought in desperation before giving him a big grin. Just this once, just let me get away with this lie.

"Yes," she nodded with entirely too much vigor, "yes, this has been an extremely challenging day, sempai!"

In the midst of convincing herself, she missed the anger that flashed on his face before he smoothed it into a dour smile. "So I've heard."

His tone was unmistakable, and Kyoko's nervous laughter died in her throat. A thick silence crept into the room, and seconds became minutes.

"You know," Jelly said suddenly, her voice tremulous, "I think I... um... I forgot some of the prosthetics for your disguise, Ren-kun, so I better..."

A chill ran down her spine as Kyoko bolted upright in her chair and grabbed Jelly's arm a little harder than intended.

"Actually, I think I saw them just outside, I can probably--"

"You don't have your costume on yet, Mogami-san," Ren pointed out, motioning at her school uniform. "Even with your hair and make-up done, it would be far too obvious you were somebody other than Setsu Heel if you weren't wearing black."

Kyoko was desperate. "Jelly-san, just give me a quick moment to change--"

"You're going to change in front of me?" His voice was soft, but Kyoko could hear himself checking his temper in his intonations. She felt the tears building up in her throat again, and she shot one last frightened look at the makeup artist.

Ren turned to look at Jelly as well, and he turned his 100-watt smile up to 1000. Kyoko's hand dropped from Jelly's arm in defeat.

"I hate to trouble you, Jelly-san, since I'm so late--but I appreciate you volunteering to look for the other parts of my costume."

"N-no problem, Ren-kun, I'll..." Kyoko thought she saw a faint blush on Jelly's cheeks as she made for the door. "I'll be right back..."

She exited the room in a hurry, and he made no change to his overly bright expression as his eyes met Kyoko's again. The ferocity behind his 1000-watt smile was painful. He was far too handsome without knowing it, and she cursed at the betrayal of her quickly-beating heart.

"Fuwa was here, or so I've been told." The lump in her throat was becoming unbearable.

I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm FINE.

If only Shoutarou hadn't forced her to admit her feelings--the dirty bastard, she'd being trying not to acknowledge them herself--but the dead, defeated look on his face... and the words just tumbled out on their own.

My head is so messed up, I wanted to come to terms with this... this, affection first before even thinking about acknowledging them to anyone else... least of all that bastard! The look on Shoutarou's face... why did she keep coming back to that moment in her mind? She already knew--had already theorized that his constant calls and visits were cries for attention.

But she never, in her dreams nor nightmares, could have anticipated that Sho had fallen for her. What she would have given a mere year ago for this sureness of his feelings... it left a charred taste in her mouth. In a way, Sho's sudden realization of his affection toward her after her growth in the past year cut more deeply than his initial betrayal.

And with her new awareness of the man standing stiffly in front of her... Kyoko prayed that he was too angry to see her turbulent emotions on display.

She coughed, willing her voice to stay steady. "He buzzes around like a pest on occasion, why would now be any different?"

Ren's smile faded and his mouth became a straight, tense line. "I heard that he barged into your dressing room, Mogami-san. I hardly find that appropriate or professional, wouldn't you agree?"

"O-Of course, Tsu... Tsuruga-san," she murmured, looking at her hands. "Of course, you're right."

Why is she being so blasé about it? His hands clenched into fists at her quiet response. Doesn't she have any awareness of the predicament that situations like this put her in? How people will talk?

Not to mention that the thought of Fuwa Sho in Kyoko's personal dressing room made him sick to his stomach. Ren wanted to shake her despite himself. It felt like the rage would consume him.

He stepped in front of her and leaned over, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look up and into his eyes.

"What do you think that--"

This is too much, she thought, her chest aching. He was so angry at her, and she saw his disgust clearly in the stiff lines of his face. I can't anymore... this is too much, thisistoomuchIcan'tIcan'tICAN'T--

Tears welled in the corners of her eyes, mixing with the black eyeliner and tracing grey curves down her cheeks. He pulled away just as the wetness dripped onto his fingertips, shocked.

There were no Heel siblings to hide behind this time; no character acting to disguise her emotions. She felt naked and wretched, and curled into herself with her hands clenched around her shoulders.

"Please," she croaked, her voice muffled into her chest. "Please, I can't--you--you have to go."

Ren was horrified. What have I done? No, he knew--he had let his jealousy blind him like a damn fool, and now he was reaping what he had sown. He hadn't even let her defend herself, much less get a word in edgewise.

She looked fragile when I walked in, but I only saw what I wanted to say and not how she was feeling, he realized. Why do I only give her reasons to hate me when... His hands trembled. ...when I care for her so much?

Ren knelt in front of her, one hand on the armrest. "I--Mogami-san--" he faltered. She tensed, ducking her head lower into her body.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize he would burst in here like he did, I'm sorry..."

He flinched at each apology. "Please, Mogami-san, you have nothing to apologize for, if anything..." Ren swallowed to clear the lump in his throat.

If you want to make this right, you need to be honest with her... if you can even manage that, idiot.

"I was intent on antagonizing you for my own selfish reasons, and that is inexcusable." He bowed his head. "I am the one who should be sorry, not you."

"Tsuruga-san..." Ren shook his head, refusing to look up.

"No, the way I treated you from the second I entered this room is despicable. I... I want us..."

Kyoko looked up suddenly, blood rushing to her face.


He wanted to grab her shoulders and kiss her eyes shut and tell her how truly sorry he was, how he was an idiot and he was in love with her and didn't know what to do with himself when he was around her, and...

...and he was truly a selfish idiot if he expected her to return his feelings after what a callous asshole he had proven himself to be today. He shuddered at the thought of her rejection, at the black-rimmed amber eyes shining with quiet pity.

Do you even deserve her affections if you cannot prove yourself more careful with her heart than Fuwa Sho? The thought stabbed his heart and left a bitter taste on his lips. He forced himself to return her gaze with a soft smile.

"I want us to be friends, Mogami-san, and I hope you can forgive me so we can continue to be so in the future."

She felt the edges of her heart crack without the protection of her locks. I guess I should thank Shoutarou for giving me a scenario that allowed me to verify that my feelings are unrequited.

Kyoko wiped her eyes and returned his smile, her nails digging into her skin.

"Of course this is a big misunderstanding," she heard herself say, "and I would never hesitate to forgive you as... as a friend, Tsuruga-san."

He stood up and turned his back to her, then grabbed a tissue box from the makeup table and placed it on her lap.

"I'm... I'm going to grab Jelly-san and tell her that you need a few touch-ups." She looked up at him with what she hoped was a grateful expression but noticed that his eyes were fixed on the door.

"O-okay," she whispered, reaching with a shaky hand for the tissues in front of her. "I'd--I'd appreciate that."

He gazed down at her as she closed her eyes to dab her tears, and was stricken at the pain etched on her face.

"Maybe..." he started, his eyes sad. "Maybe I'll just tell the director that you got called in last-minute to film additional scenes for another drama so you don't..." So you don't have to put up with me. "...don't have to come in today."

He doesn't want me around today. He's still so angry about Shoutarou showing up and me receiving him so easily that he doesn't want to look at me. She fought the tears back down again, fiercely pressing the tissue into her eyes with the palm of her hand. I wish I had never realized... The pain in her throat was paralyzing and she fought for breath. The sound of her dry sobs reverberated in his ears.

She's so upset at how I've acted that she can't even respond to me. The room felt stifled with his own self-loathing, and he made his way to the door before he lost his willpower to leave. "I'll just tell Jelly you're not feeling well and that you left early. Feel better... okay?"

She heard the sadness in his voice and turned suddenly.

"Wait, Tsuruga-san--!"

The door closed with a soft click.
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Date: 2012-10-24 22:52
Subject: thank you for breaking my heart.
Security: Public
The words congealed in his throat when he saw the pity in her eyes. Where was the anger, the uncontrollable emotions that only he could evoke? His gloved hand gripped her shoulder, and he felt his face burn with humiliation.

"What are you talking about?" he managed to choke out moments later. "Aren't I the guy that you have to absolutely beat no matter what? As if you could even claim that you've risen to a status above mine! How pathetic--"

"I never claimed that I have," she countered, but with a calm that unsettled him. She stared, her face impassive, until he clenched his fingers and turned away.

"You really think that you have the time to--to--" His voice faltered, and he cursed himself for it before continuing. "--to distract yourself with relationships and love-making if you want to beat me? It'll take another hundred years before you can ever reach my level of celebrity and fame!"

"You are no longer the standard by which I measure my success." Her smile was polite, but cold. "And what I choose to do with my private life is none of your business." His face turned red with anger and he punched the wall.

"Like hell it isn't my business if--"

"If what?" She stared up at him with that same, pitying look, and it was more than he could stand. He saw red.

"You aren't supposed to focus on anything but me!" And it was over, all over. He was barely able to curse himself into the ground before she stepped away from him, her expression unreadable.

"I see," she said next, and before he could stop himself he hid his face with his hands.

"Shit... shit, that's not what I meant to say--"

"It's not what you wanted to say but it is what you meant to imply," she said, her voice clipped. "I can only be angry at myself for allowing you to goad me like this for so long, though."

"Shut up."

"I can't believe what a fool I was--no, more like, I can't believe what an immature child you are." He refused to look up at her. She crossed her arms, her eyes shifting to the ground. "Picking on me and acting like the king of jerks, did you really think that was going to make me come back to you?"

"No! Of course not!" He leaned against the wall and sighed, his hands still covering his face. "I didn't know what I was doing, and I stopped asking myself why a long time ago. I just... more than anything, I just hated--"

"--the thought of you not being the center of my universe anymore? The thought of someone else occupying that space in my heart?"

"Your thoughts were always filled with me, whether you loved me or hated me!" He heard her sharp intake of breath, and lowered his hands to glare at her. "You have always been mine, and the thought of you ever becoming otherwise..."

"You thought you could own me?" The incredulous look on her face shamed him to silence. "You threw me away like an old dish rag, and then when I showed some type of value and beauty you decided to claim your property? It doesn't work that way, you know." She gave a harsh little laugh. "And to think that I let you get away with it, with manipulating my anger at you into more attention lavished upon you..."

"I don't know where you're coming up with this bullshit, but you're sorely mistaken if you think I need you to occupy any space in my life." He tried to add bite to his words, but they ended up sounding hollow and sad. "I have better things to do with my time, obviously."

"And yet here you stand," she countered, "running to antagonize me at the first reports of my new relationship with--"

"Well?" he spat out, his stomach churning. "Is it true?"

Her eyes averted to the corner of the room as she projected another unreadable expression.

"It's not of any consequence, least of all to you," she said quietly. "Now, I would appreciate it if you would leave my dressing room and this set at once. You cannot possibly have anything to say to me that hasn't already been said. And anything else you might say right now may embarrass you the moment you leave, so I suggest you get going."

She was right, and he hated knowing that she was right. But his facades were shambles at her feet now, and he had watched her eyes dart across the room. It was too late for him to turn back, regardless of his newly-painful awareness of his own feelings.

"You love him, don't you."

She clenched her jaw, and he thought he had finally riled her to anger. His hopes started rising.

They died again when she laughed once more, her eyes boring into his.

"Now we both know the pain of having unrequited feelings, wouldn't you agree?" Her smile became a harsh line. "Please don't come to visit me again."

He stormed out of her dressing room soon after, and fought the ache in his throat as he fumbled to find his sunglasses in his leather trenchcoat. That bitch is delusional, she doesn't know what the hell she's talking about, the thought of you having feelings for her, so infuriating...

He waited until he was alone in his room, in his bed and under the covers, before he started screaming.

She watched him leave with a grim expression, not even flinching when the door slammed off its hinges. A moment later, she sat down at her vanity and stared into the mirror until she saw tears running down her face.
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Date: 2010-06-13 02:02
Subject: ...I ship RenxKyoko like BURNING
Security: Public
Title: The Aftermath
Fandom: Skip Beat!
Pairing: Ren x Kyoko (DUHHHH)
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but I still want!
Summary: What happens after the ultimate plunge?

yesssssssssss!!!Collapse )
KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA ♥ ♥ ♥ Probably my most self-servicing 'fic to date. This series drives me BATTY with the lengths it's going through to draw out the eventual RenxKyoko OTP! >_<; Whenever I get frustrated I'll just come back and read this and feel all WAFFy again. ^_^
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Date: 2010-06-13 00:00
Subject: stupid fangirl rant
Security: Public
Okay, so first of all: I love love love Ren x Kyoko from Skip Beat! and absolutely loathe Shou x Kyoko.

I just read a fanfic that was... okay. The writing wasn't anything to scream about and the pacing was kind of choppy, but it still had a plot (which is more than I can say about anything I write, lulz). But it had Ren being the one who moved it forward and losing his control over his emotions... which for some reason I just can't get behind. Well no, that's not necessarily true--the end of the story kind of soured the whole thing for me to be honest--he kisses her then apologizes and runs off. WUT. And then she snaps at him because 'omg, Shou was such a bastard and now you are too?' I dunno, it seemed kind of OOC to me? Or the execution was kind of poor.

If he slipped up and kissed her, I think he would try and explain his way out of it using 'acting' as an excuse because he knows that she's extremely gullible and believes in him as a sempai. And she would mull over it in a daze... kind of like the V-Day arc. Actually, it would stack onto the V-Day arc and because the gesture was more definite I don't think she'd be able to stop thinking about it or convince herself that he was simply 'acting' or 'teaching her about acting.' Hmmm... not explaining myself as well as I thought I could. Maybe I should just write out what I want to happen... lol, ever the eternal fanfic writer am I.

By the way, I hate Brett because I notice out-of-place and overused adverbs now. :P Unnecessary similes I've always noticed but tried to forgive... or ignore b/c I needed to read about my OTP even though the writing was kind of awful. But in this fic I read tonight... "Like a football player at an anime convention, he was uncomfortable." Really? REALLY? Or is it my fault because I continue to read it? Probably my fault ;)
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Date: 2010-03-10 00:37
Subject: everything will change.
Security: Public
I don't know why it's so hard for me to believe that someone can love me as much as I love them--I've broken guys' hearts before, so technically I have evidence of someone loving me more than I love them. But no one has mattered as much as you do, and maybe that's why I just can't get over it, and why I can't help but cry over it. I think I'm just so relieved... I always wondered if someone as coquettish and silly as me would ever find what I constantly love to read about--and I truly believe that this time, I have.

Haha... in my most important times, I can only inadequately refer to fandom to convey how I feel. You know, the part in Chapter 39 of Kimi ni Todoke (spoilerzzzz) where she can only say 'I love you' over and over again, because she's finally realized that he's just a boy and she's just as much right to love him as anyone else? And afterwards, she tells Yano & Chizu that it was only '1/10th of what she really wanted to say.' That's how you make me feel. (Not like I could ever reference you to this, since you think it's all romantic drivel anyway haha.) I cried when I read it, because it made me remember what it was like to fall in love with you... and I treasure those moments more than most anything else in my life.

Thanks Bear. :')
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Date: 2010-01-25 00:55
Subject: one more RL post.
Security: Public
Didn't add it to the last post b/c I want to keep written things separate.

some days, in the face of
this burden we bear together I think
--I feel this urgency to tell you, but
how do I say it? or maybe
I can't gather the right words to describe
how I smile when you sing off-key,
but I think that when I'm with you--
when you look into my eyes and I feel
like I'm falling in love for the first time
I think you are telling me--
tears roll down my face, and I
am still terrified at the thought of losing us
but you remind me that I am not alone in this fear
and that you,
in my embrace
are giving me your heart;
I hope you know that mine
has always been...


Sometimes I have moments with him--innocuous moments that come and go, but that resonate with me so deeply I become scared all over again because I'm so invested in the thought of us being together for the rest of our lives. But I need to remember that he stands to lose much more than I do in some ways... and that he wouldn't be here if he weren't serious about our relationship as well. I really love him... I pray things will work out in the end, and that I have the grace to overcome the obstacles in our way without resentment. Sigh.
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Date: 2010-01-25 00:24
Subject: non-fanfiction? GASP!
Security: Public
Written for one of my closest friends, who is currently trying to cope with a stupid situation involving a boy, alcohol, a magical, bittersweet morning... and a toothbrush. Love you, hon... you deserve better than all the stupid shit that keeps getting thrown onto your path. :P


Every time she walks by or walks into the bathroom, she is confronted by a persistent reminder of a stolen night, an object that brings back a bevy of emotions that threaten to overwhelm her, a... toothbrush. Idiotic, really, that a common household item should convey and at the same time evoke so much emotion in someone as rational as herself. But we are all prone to weaknesses, she admits with a crooked smile in the mirror. We know better than to wallow in our own misery, but sometimes it seems that we exist solely to put the misery into words, song, and long conversations that watch the moon rise and fall. And though we are usually not the better for it, still, we persist.

She cannot throw it out just as she cannot step back from the memories of that night and say that it meant nothing to her; she knows that ridding herself of it is like admitting that nothing will come of the raw emotions she felt and still feels for him. It hurts--like a bitch, really--to move through her days, pretending like nothing has changed when she knows with her heart things are not the same. But she would rather these mixed emotions than trying to detach herself from him...

"I'm no good for you." There is a very likely chance he is right, and she knows it, but...

She looks in the mirror and wraps her arms around herself, remembering his fingers tracing the curve of her cheek and his mouth nuzzled into the crook of her neck and along her collarbone. The short-lived bliss and her silly optimism, killed in the harsh light of that sad morning...

His toothbrush is equal parts wound and salve.

She turns off the light in the bathroom shortly afterward, angry at herself for being so irrational and moody, and she swears that she'll stop being such a girl about a stupid inanimate object... tomorrow.


Bittersweet is right up my alley, I believe...
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Date: 2010-01-19 00:00
Subject: Dengeki Daisy! ♥
Security: Public
Tags:dengeki daisy
Funny, that KnT fic from 1/14 wasn't supposed to be about Kurumi, it was originally going to be about Kazehaya... he's so tough to write about! >_<;; I think it's adorable how much he cares about Sawako, to the point where he gets visibly anxious in public... and I love he's not 'the perfect guy,' that he's selfish... but I can't seem to channel these thoughts somehow =_=;

Seems like it's drabble night though... tried to write something w/a theme but it's just not coming to me =_=;

Title: a dream, interrupted
Series: Dengeki Daisy

There is not enough love for this series. Srsly.Collapse )

^________^ I love love LOVE this series!! But there is no LJ-comm for it, & I'm too lazy to start one. Sad day :(
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Date: 2010-01-15 00:54
Subject: other note.
Security: Public
Just re-read a 'fic that I favorited ~4-5 years ago, and the writing style was really pretentious and unenjoyable. I wonder what in my preferences changed for me to not enjoy that story anymore...

Aaaaand that's the last post for today. :3
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moving on
fanfic journal
May 2013